Men often struggle with penis insecurity. But no one wants to talk about it.
You can think of plenty of words for "penis." You really don't need us to list them here. They come up − a lot. Penises are ever-present in pop culture and are the punchlines of jokes, particularly when it comes to size. They're often the excuse for why a man has an extra-flashy car or watch (he's making up for something, right?).
And who could forget when Ariana Grande singlehandedly created the viral acronym BDE during her time with Pete Davidson? (We'll let you look that one up on Urban Dictionary if you're not familiar.)
Yet what we fail to talk about is when men are uncomfortable with their penises. That is a conversation that threatens their vitality, their masculinity, their libido, their place in this world. And the lack of discussion around this common insecurity is, in some cases, leading men to take extreme action to alter their penises using medical intervention. But could this all be curbed with a little bit more educated discourse?
It doesn't matter whether a man is straight or queer: Penis size is often associated with fertility, sex drive, manhood. But these perceptions are driven less by scientific evidence and more by hypermasculine culture.
"Many men encounter experiences during the day that make them feel insecure about their masculinity," says Ronald Levant, professor emeritus of psychology at The University of Akron and co-author of "The Tough Standard: The Hard Truths about Masculinity and Violence." "And some of them have to do with their penises. The size of their penis is a big deal."
The key to dispel misconceptions, experts say, is to help men rejigger conversations around their penises to give them more confidence about not just this sexual organ, but their bodies more broadly. "When you reframe their idealistic expectation or view about their sexual relationship with their partner, then that sometimes can help them just feel a little more comfortable with their body, with their sexuality as a whole," says Dr. Peter Bajic, urologist and sexual health expert.
Penis size expectations: Where did it start?
Experts don't have a consensus exactly on why men became so obsessed with penis size. If you look back to ancient Rome and Greece, one can find sculptures and art linked to fertility that feature large phalluses.
"There's something ingrained in many cultures around the world where that might be something associated with fertility," Bajic says. "Over time, in some cultures, that has evolved to being something that's associated with masculinity." Pornography featuring large penises likely hasn't helped matters.
Research has shown that, at least in heterosexual relationships, penis size has not meaningfully meant additional satisfaction during sex. Size also doesn't have to do with testosterone or the Y chromosome, anything of that nature. Really, all roads lead back to an obsession with masculinity.
"The way we've set up masculinity, in the post-war era in the Western world, is that men have to constantly demonstrate and prove it," Levant says. "Interesting studies have been done in which men have their masculinity threatened, and they typically respond with aggression and violence."
It's not surprising, then, that a recent New Yorker and ProPublica piece detailed the eyebrow-raising effort some men have gone to in order to increase their penis size. Like, seeking controversial penile enlargement treatments and risking their health to do so. Body image concerns are valid, of course, but everyone deserves proper education and discussion before making a change.
Why can't we talk about penises?
Many men may not want to talk about insecurities they have about their penises for the simple reason they're afraid of being below average.
"A lot of men are very sensitive about their penises, because it's not only a sexual organ, an excretory organ, but it's a symbol of their masculinity," Levant adds.
There's a perception that "bigger is always better," according to Levant, and not only when it comes to penises. Many men work out as well to try to increase their muscles. Discussions regarding body image and body dysmorphia apply as much to broad shoulders as they do to penises.
"We definitely see a lot of men that both relating to their genitals and other areas of their body may have body dysmorphia, or just a perception that there's something wrong with their body," Bajic says. "Some of that obviously may be influenced by their own lived experience, their experience with partners, but there are other extrinsic factors that may play a role, for example, exposure to pornography, and they may see what somebody's genitalia looks like, and something like that, and think that that is what theirs is supposed to look like."
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Perhaps 'the times are changing'
Bajic says there may be reason to hope these insecurities will be more widely discussed in the future. Today's young people are more willing to talk about their personal struggles and insecurities, especially online.
"What we see is that to some degree, the times are changing, and there's a little bit more openness in younger generations for discussing sexual function, sexuality, etc.," Bajic says. "But I think historically, it's just been something that many folks have avoided talking about."
Experts agree that if you are uncomfortable with your penis size, absolutely speak to your primary care doctor. They may help you put it in perspective, and/or refer you to a therapist or sex therapist specifically if you're still otherwise concerned. Those who work in sexual medicine will also try to give you a reality check: the average flaccid penis is 3.6 inches long, according to one study.
As Bajic says: "The bottom line is that size is not as important of a factor as men perceive it to be."
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